So You Wanna Get a Puppy

A few people in my life, who have never owned a dog, are contemplating getting a puppy. The first thing I wanted to do is give them unsolicited advice, like I’m some sort of male. But,  I’m a woman, who often pretends to not know anything (a survival skill that is coming to an end soon, I think)  

I simply say, “Exciting!” 

Plus, if these people really wanna know what it’s like having a baby dog, there are LOADS of articles and tips and dog content out there so I’m sure they’ll do their own research and adjust their life accordingly.  Or, they’ll be one of those people who are in a for a rude awakening because they think it’s gonna be all easy and cute, next thing you know that sweet dog is neglected, abused or abandon. OH GAWD I HAD NO IDEA THIS WOULD BE SO PAINFUL TO WRITE ABOUT. 

Having said all that, I’m gonna give some tips/advice anyway. Hahaha. 

Here’s advice that you are choosing to read. 

If you are getting a puppy 

-the cuteness is about to make your heart explode and expand and you’ll also forget about your ex. You’re also about to have piss and poo all over your house. If you put in the work of potty-training - this will be short lived - but you will no doubt be scrubbing the floor. The more time you spend working with them, the less time you’ll be washing up. 

-start training in ALL areas ASAP. They will bite, bark, jump up, eat whatever is on the ground including dead batteries and other dog’s shit. They’ll chew on your shoes and furniture and will destroy cheap toys/stuff animals. They are basically the most adorable nightmare you will ever have. Their cuteness might make you go soft on them, but when they’re older and bigger - you’re gonna get annoyed - so train, train, train. I like the positive reinforcement and bribing them with treats method. Maybe I will write a more detailed training guide, but probably not, because I’m not a professional. I just have two perfect dogs, most likely because of the way I trained them. Whoa, passive aggressive!

-you will have sleepless nights - these babies will cry and get sick and will for sure have to go out a few times because they have tiny bladders. DO THE WORK, you chose to get this damn dog, you gotta show up for them.  I don't know why I'm mad at whover is reading this, like I'm assuming they are gonna be a shitty puppy owner. WHY??? WHO ARE YOU? ARE YOU A SHITTY PUPPY OWNER OR A SMART ONE?? Please let me know.

-tiny bladder talk continued - if you work (not from home) you or someone will have to let them out every few hours. It’s tough if you are single/live alone. You can always ask friends/family to help out - but in my opinion it’s wise to pay a dog sitter/walker. You don’t want to burn out your loved ones. Once in awhile is fine, but it's best to get someone on the books. When you pay someone to help you -  there’s no guilt/resentment in pay-for-work situations. I hate asking people for help. One time when I was living LA I had to move and just paid two strangers I met in a parking lot to help me. ANOTHER STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME.

-crate training is a great way to keep them safe and regulated but you GOTTA let them out every few hours. Do not leave them in there all day and all night you fucking lunatic. Whoa sorry, I'm really assuming you are a dumb monster. WHY???

-socialize them, get them around kids and dogs and take ‘em for car rides. Take ‘em to the groomers and to the pet store and dog friendly cafes. The more they are exposed to at a young age, the easier they’ll adjust to new people and places throughout their life. 

-expect them to be out of their fucking minds. These puppies are going to be absolute nutjobs for up to two years. And, depending on their breed or luck of the draw, they could be crazy for their entire lives.… or they could be perfect little chilled out angels - ya never know. Good luck. 

Maybe I’ll write another one of these about older dogs. Mine are now seven and four … a middle aged lady and young adult male. Ok, byyyyeee!

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